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hu... im back ranting about myself. again. 5 more days to go...and then there will be Enter the Japanese Universities (EJU) trial examination. 21 June 2009. sunday. and then, on tuesday, my mid semester examination.

im very nervous about them right now as i realized that im very bad in my studies here. its really bad when compared to my friends here.

life kind of getting worse day by day. im extremely dissapointed and frustrated with myself. i keep on asking myself why couldnt i do well like my fellow friends here? everyday, every hour, every minute, every second i keep on asking myself that.

i mean, they could get 100% in quizzes, 90++, 80++ in tests or exams each time but i couldnt. 72, 74, -like that- IS the best that i could get.

most of the things that are being teach here are the same as in my high school. its just that the syllibus is quite different. the same formulae and all. why couldnt i remember them? why couldnt i solve them? why?

its frustrating and tiring. its not like i didnt study. is it the way how i study is wrong? with my sleeping trouble, im getting more emotional right now. i couldnt sleep even though im tired. even if im already lying on the bed, its just hard for me to fall asleep. sometimes i even stay awake on the bed till 4 am-(kesian penyu dpt mesej frust and aku kul 4 pagi). coffee? i dont drink coffee during weekdays. my coffee day is on saturday. or whenever tomorrow is holiday then coffee is allowed. (trying to avoid coffee. well, I AM trying, at least) im feeling so fresh right now yet its 2.30 am right now. just couldnt sleep.

back to the studies thing. you know how stressful and tension it is when everyone around you has high expectation on you? my mom, dad, sis, cuzins, aunts, uncles and all. and then, there are my teachers who keep on reminding us, doing the countdown thingy, keep on saying, repeating about the exam, and saying that "did you all worked hard enough? i cant see it" those kind of things mcm nak perli nye cara in class. it hurt so much when they say that although they mean it for some students in the class/ all of us. you know, like someone take your heart and stabbing it many times with knife. yes, i know they are saying those for our own good, but i couldnt help being emotional. i know we have to be perfect in all subjects to excel the exam.

yes, i know my tests results sucks but i do work hard. the most frustrating part is that when i keep on doing careless mistakes or stupid mistakes -as Ms V said- and having the misconception about things i learned. i hate myself for that.

i do ask my teachers sometimes. but most of the time i would ask my friends. i felt relieved when they could help me. but being one of the so called low ranked student here is still a sad thing.

life is hard when you are used to be among the top and suddenly you are at the bottom. although i know since the beginning that i'll have my downs and keep telling myself to prepare for it. yet im frustrated in me. now i know how it feels like to couldnt understand what i am learning.

yes, athirah, now i completely understand how you felt like last time. you know, when you dragged me behind the dorm block and told me your problem with maths. im having it now. i hate myself for being the worse in my favourite subject. i love math. math is my passion since i know how to count. me second would be physics. hu~....... same thing for all subjects... failures to score good results...

one thing for sure, i will not give up because this is my dream, mama babah kakak trust me and i want them and malaysia proud, secondly coz amanah dari duit cukai rakyat malaysia, and lastly because i have four little cousins that looked up to me sangat2. if i could go to japan, insyaAllah, and then bring home my success. and i hope my lil cuzins going to follow my footsteps. so, lastly, i hope anyone who read this, do pray for my succes in malaysia and japan. amiin...